by Robert Smith
The economy is great/the economy sucks. We’re all going bankrupt/we’re all in the geetis. Renee Zellweger is broiling hot/Rene Zellweger is just plain fugly.
Up is down, black is white, George W. Bush is a smarty pants, Barack Obama is a dolt. So what is the deal with our economy? Who is doing well, who is going to hell? It’s so hard to figure out things, as in the past three weeks, we’ve had a booming stock market mixed with 10.2 percent unemployment. We need universal health care … wait, who cares about those bums? Consider:
Last week, a video game, Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, became the biggest entertainment hit of all time. No movie, no piece of music, no TV show, no anything has ever made as much money in as short of an amount of time. The multi-player video game made $500 million in its first five days of release. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
Last week, the Pontiac Silverdome – a huge arena that can hold up to 97,000 people and the venue where Hulk Hogan defeated Andre the Giant in front of a reported 93,173 fans at WrestleMania III in 1987 – was sold to a Tortonto real estate developer for … $583,000! According to the New York Daily News, the stadium, that cost taxpayers about $55.7 million to build before it opened in 1975, was once the home of The Detroit Lions. The same edition of the New York Daily News that reported the sales figure listed in its classified ads a brick family home in Flatbush, Brooklyn being offered for $625,000. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
The new tween hit film, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, made an all-time record $72.7 on its first day and about $170 million in its first few days of release. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
The Los Angeles Dodgers reportedly recently cut the annual salary of an 87-year-old, time-proven baseball scout from $18,000 to $8,000, as well as slashing his travel budget. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
A crowd of about 3,000 Long Island teenagers and their mothers, many of whom can’t pronounce words that end with the letter “r,” showed up at Roosevelt Field Mall on September 19 to see teem dream Justin Bieber; police were forced to show up and cancel the show when the crown began calling each other names and shoving itself around. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
A Minnesota housewife recently sold her wedding dress, shoes, wedding ring, and various items of significant personal importance on EBay so she could buy food for her family. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
TV game show star Susan Boyle’s debut album, I Dreamed A Dream, is the best-settling advance order in the history of Amazon.com. After its release, it was expected to sell 400,000 copies in its first week – in England alone. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
The Kentucky Post website reported that more of the working poor are seeking assistance during this Thanksgiving holiday. A charity called Freestore Foodbank expects to hand out enough food to feed 18,000 families this holiday season, many of them with working parents. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
Audience members cried when Oprah Winfrey, one of the richest women in America, announced she would be leaving her long-running talk show … in 2011. Meanwhile, few noticed when Neighborhood House, a charity in Westbury, New York, filled four village streets with cars from people looking for goods the day before Thanksgiving. Yep, nobody has any money to do anything.
On this holiday, regardless of which America you live in, we wish you the happiness that comes with the realization that owning a bunch of stuff is just owning a bunch of stuff.
Robert Smith will never truly be happy until all Americans get a fair shake, which means Robert Smith will never truly be happy.