BY ROBERT SMITH
There are dating websites, matrimony agencies, lingerie stores, and greeting card companies, and all are in the business of helping people find the ultimate object of their desires – or, at the very least, hook up. Sex and love are two of the biggest motivations in the human experience, but some people just don’t get it. Some people do the very worst they can, thinking it’s the best thing they can do.
Guys, if you’re really interested in seeking out companionship with a real thinking, feeling female, trying your hardest to avoid these garish gaffes:
Never take Iris to a fancy restaurant clad in a suit only to put your arm on the table to reveal your fancy new Invicta Subaqua Noma III watch you “bought off the TV.” Some dudes think watches layered in cheap gold and the size of a black and white cookie are fashionable; they get together in their apartments, usually located in their mother’s basements, to show off their collections. Iris and her girlfriends get together to laugh about their bad dates.
While we’re on the subject: A “poor man’s Rolex” still isn’t a Rolex.
Never show up for a first date with Sara with your official Johnny Damon New York Yankees jersey on.
An amendment to that note: Never show up for a first date with Sara if Damon is anywhere in the vicinity. Or any other athlete. Or musician. Or movie star.
We shouldn’t even have to print this, but if you can belch “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic,” don’t do it in front of Veronica.
If you’re sitting at the bar having a nice conversation with a new friend named Becky, never try to squeeze one off. If it’s a silent but deadly creamer, you’ll ruin any chances with both Becky and that beloved 10-year-old pair of Fruit of the Looms.
If you even know what The Entertainment Book is, you’re not scoring with Elizabeth.
A beige shirt and purple pants? Great if you’re visiting Aunt Audrey.
If you show up to take out Amy in your Chrysler Town & Country, you might as well look for love at Lowe’s Home Center.
If a radio ad for a $4.99 haircut makes you run to the nearest mall, there’s no chance that Heidi wants anything to do with you.
Cheryl likes funny guys, but if you spend the entire date quoting “Seinfeld,” she’ll file your number under “old fart.” Other entertainment entities whose reference quotas have expired: Caddyshack, “The Honeymooners,” Popeye, Goodfellas, The Sopranos, “Friends,” anything with Adam Sandler.
If you are lucky enough to get Linda into your bedroom and she notices your official replica WWE World Championship belt, the only trim you’ll be getting is after you’ve gone on a three-month diet.
Never believe TV ads: If a woman sees an older, graying male and doesn’t care for his looks, it’s natural. If a younger woman sees the same man a week later after he’s applied Just For Men in five easy minutes and everything about him is suddenly jet black, not only won’t she find him attractive, but she’ll also think he’s the creepiest schmoe since Jeffrey Dahmer.
If you’re over 40 and you still sport an earring, you might as well put on a pair of bell bottoms. If you have two earrings, you might as well show Nancy your AARP card.
Another addendum: Just because you’re 50 and you’re getting tons of sudden offers in the mail doesn’t mean you have to join AARP. That makes even other 50-year-olds cringe.
Tatoos and ink? Sure. A pierced cock head, never.
Openly vomiting on the table during dinner never leads to a second date. We’ve actually met two women who have experienced this – in New York City, no less.
Lorna loves talking about virtually anything, but when Jimmy spent two hours discussing how AC/DC got even better after Bon Scott died, she bought a CD by Celtic Women the next day.
If you join a dating site and use the word “anal” in your profile for any reason, you better call the airlines and make a reservation at The Pussycat Ranch as soon as possible, as your most meaningful relationship with a female between now and the rest of your life will have a shelf life of about 20 minutes.
Women that women love: Taylor Swift, Rachel Ray, Marie Osmond, Carnie Wilson, Hillary Duff, you get the picture. Women that women hate are the women that guys love: Pamela Anderson, Victoria Silvestedt, Megan Fox, Alessandra Ambrosio, Kelly Kelly, Angelina Jolie, and so on.
If you tell Samantha that you’re trying to become an actor, she’ll swoon. If you tell her your goal is to act in a Broadway musical, she’ll introduce you to her friend Bruce.
Never admit during a first date with Tamara that not only is this the first one you’ve had in 11 months, but that your financial situation isn’t all that great. Leo Durocher said it best: “Nice guys finish last.” In fact, if you’re entering the dating scene believing that integrity, being a nice person, being humble, and letting nature take its course during relationships are good attributes, we have a land plot in Oak Hill, New York we’d like to sell you.
If you pick up Nancy in a Lexus, and you both come back to your place later and she finds only onion soup mix and instant coffee in your cupboard, she won’t mind at all.
If you drop the name of the famous people you’ve met with Terri, you’ll score. If you drop the names of the dudes you bowl with, you’ll only score at Bowlmor.
Carrie doesn’t mind that you’re not “large” – but she’ll tell Sandy that you’re “pretty small,” and it will be the focal point of their hilarious lunch break the next day. Uncircumcised guys: Hold on to your hats … so to speak.
If you tell Evelyn that “I like your nice, big tits” on the first date, the only date you’ll enjoy the next day will say Sunkist on its box.
If you want to date Snooki from “Jersey Shore,” go ahead and wear that Ed Hardy t-shirt. If you want a date with Sandy from your office, don’t even think about it.
Brands that don’t make it with Amy: Brylcreem, Vitalis, Waltham, Haband, J.C. Penny, ESPN, Family Dollar, U.S. Polo, Golden Corral, and any restaurant that ends with the words “pizza buffet.”
Paula said, “let’s do something fun on our first date.” Bob suggested, “how about miniature golf?” Bob played miniature golf with Tim on Saturday night.
Hank told Susan he bought her some jewelry, and after their second date, no less. The box read “Kay Jewelers.” Susan fucked the living shit out of Paul later that night; Paul will have permanent rattled brains for months. Hank will give the Kay box to his mother, who will store it in a drawer and never refer to it again.
Robert Smith gets mistaken for Brad Pitt quote often, and while standing in line at banks and ticket counters he sometimes must call his literary agent. He’d never make any of the above mistakes with women, as his vast experience in the ways of love make him impervious to errors, Jake; he’s too busy drawing glances. His choice for most romantic song: “Better Off Without A Wife” by Tom Waits.