Expressions You’ll Never Hear

BY ROBERT SMITH

Words are  powerful things.

George Carlin once did an entire bit based on things you’ll never hear: One of the funniest was a guy running at top speed into a pharmacy, then screaming: “Are you open on Thursdays?”

We here at DMR are always on the lookout for meaningless wastes of time – most of us have based our careers on them – so here we present words that have never been uttered before and never will be in these combinations. Use ’em, trade ’em, collect ’em with your friends!

“My Republican colleague seems opposed to anything that has to do with this health care bill. My colleague is a moose Johnson.”

“Life is best when you’re refreshed, and 5 W20 refreshes you best.”

“Hi, Sarah, it’s so nice to meet you! Shall we skip the formalities and start a-ruttin’ and a-reamin’?”

“Back in my day, we’d walk seven miles each way just to get a halvah.”

“You guys go ahead. I’m not in the mood for steak; I’ve got some cold haggis in the fridge.”

“Mr. Skelton, you’re right on time for your quadruple bypass – I see you brought your coupon.”

“Sure, White Booty Worship #2 was a well-made DVD feature, but it lacked the taste and superior art direction of Phat Black Juicy Anal Booty #5.”

“And the best actor Oscar goes to Keanu Reeves.”

“No way! Bob Hastings as Lt. Carpenter in ‘McHale’s Navy Joins The Air Force’ was way funnier than Hermione Gingold as Lady Munster in ‘Munster, Go Home.’ You punk kids know nothing these days.”

“And the best actress Oscar goes to Jessica Alba.”

“We have to have a talk with little Jimmy. I found four Lane Bryant catalogs stuffed under his mattress.”

“No more…please. I’ll never do that again. Four skunk cabbages is definitely my limit.”

“What is it with teenagers and all these posters on your bedroom walls! You paid good allowance money for Richard Griffiths, and there’s not even enough room next to Sir Ben Kingsley and F. Murray Abraham. Enough is enough!”

“Best car I ever owned? I got 250,000 miles out of that Pinto – I bet it’s still on the road out there somewhere.”

“I’ll never buy another cheap piece of crap like that Breitling watch.”

“ABC has announced its new reality-based game show: Polka With The Stars.”

“I know he has bad breath, teeth like rotting picnic table benches, only four fingers, one eye, and a liver that’s literally outside his skin – but God, does Jerry’s pinky toe turn me on.”

“Man, that John Mayer is original.”

“Honey, next time you take a 20-minute dump like that, leave the bathroom door open – just for me?”

“We brought you cherry cola, vanilla cola, and crème soda, but wait till you taste rich cola flavor mixed with the natural goodness of real roast beef.”

“American League batting champion Nick Punto should command a huge multi-year contract on the free agent market.”

“I knew William Demarest, sir, and you’re no William Demarest.”

“Sure, she’s hot, but when she puts on that Jac-O-Net, I can’t take my eyes off her.”

“Okay, go to the deli and get me a half-pound of bologna, two pounds of American cheese, a half-pound of potato salad, and a pound of sperm whale blubber.”

“Sir, your conduct is unbecoming membership in the ASGWSTOFWCG. The American Society of Guys Who Scrape Their Own Faces With Cheese Graters will not accept such breaches of decorum.”

“I lost my job today, I’m so out of it. I need a drink … I need a smoke … somebody get me a Cadbury Crème Egg.”

“After two years of trying, Playboy finally has its big score and has landed the biggest star in Hollywood: Look for Betty White on the cover of the June issue.”

“Aspirin – and Sucrets?”

“When he kisses me and leaves those dandruff and scabies flakes all over my blouse, I’m just lost in passion.”

“Will you kids stop brushing your teeth and go finish watching Last Call With Carson Daly?”

“Mr. Harris, your quadruple bypass was a complete success. Good luck, and safe home – here’s a Swiss roll ice cream cake with our compliments.”

“Yeah, the music of the 70s was the best: Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods, Hamilton, Joe, Frank & Reynolds, Blue Swede, The DeFranco Family – they don’t make hits like that anymore.”

“That was an awful buffet. No deviled eggs.”

“You ganked my collection of 1980s TV Guides, you bastard, and you’ll pay for that. Trust me … you’ll pay.”

“Yeah, I’ll admit it: I dated Pamela Anderson, but I broke up with her because all she wanted to do was make love.”

“Damn it! Every time I go into that deli for a coffee, there’s always a fresh pot. Why can’t I get the stuff one inch from the bottom?”

“Man, I can’t wait for that tax audit. We’re gonna have a blast.”

“Why would I buy underwear from Macy’s when there’s a perfectly good Family Dollar right down the street. Stop wasting our money, Hollingsworth.”

“I’ve never been so offended. I go to the movies for a night of entertainment, and I have to sit through quasi-porn like The Blind Side. I don’t care what the critics say: It is filth!”

“I log on to The DM Refugees every day, hoping upon hope that Robert Smith left a new post. He’s dreamy.”

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4 Comments

Filed under Humor, Posts by Robert Smith, Uncategorized

4 responses to “Expressions You’ll Never Hear

  1. Steve R

    Awesome work, Bob. But you forgot a few choice ones:

    – I’m seriously jonesing for some Bob’s Taffy Planks.

    – No way my LP of Depeche Mode’s Greatest Hits doesn’t meet the $2.00 reserve on eBay.

    – I think the Knicks could go deep in the playoffs this year.

    – Toyota. That spells quality.

    – And the Emmy goes to … Glen Beck.

    • Robert Smith

      Damn, man, you got me Jonesing for dem Taffy Planks now.

      Come to think of it, that’s another phrase that’s never been used before…

  2. Jon Pine

    Hilarious! But there’s actually two expressions on your list that I wouldn’t totally count out:

    “Polka With the Stars” — You just KNOW this idea has already been floated by someone. It’s only a matter of time before we see Corbin Bernson and Julia Duffey hoofin’ it to “Roll Out the Barrel.”

    Roast Beef Flavored Soda — In 2004, Jones Soda came out with a holiday-themed six-pack of soda just in time for Thanksgiving. The flavors (and I am not making this up) included Green Bean Casserole Soda, Mashed Potato & Butter Soda, Fruitcake Soda, Cranberry Soda and Turkey & Gravy Soda.

    Can Roast Beef Soda be far behind?

    http://www.jonessoda.com/files/turkey04.html

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