We Received Letters

Dear DM Refugees,

I take strong objection to your recent column suggesting that my Invicta Subaqua Noma III isn’t fashionable. I showed mine to my foreman at the smelting mill where I work, and he thinks it’s really sexy. It’s so big! Then I wore it to dart league and every member of my team said they wanted one, too. I have an official Dale Earnhardt #3 racing helmet and an official replica WWE World Championship belt, and when I walk down the street with all this stuff on, I really get looks. People actually stop walking and stare at me. I love Invicta!
Ralphy Tomkins
Inside His TV

Hey, hack writers,

You guys think you’re king shit because you’ve all had jobs writing for newspapers and magazines. Well, let me tell you, print is a thing of the past – that Mac doohickey is going to be what we all look at soon. Note I said look at, not read.
R. Murdoch
On An Island

Dear Editor,

I don’t like how dirty TV, movies, and magazines are these days. Sex isn’t everything.
Dick Johnson
Poon, AL

Dear DM,

I used to work with you guys back in the day, and frankly, I always thought you were a bunch of Kansas City frog jumpers.
Dale Dobkins
Kansas City, MO

Dear DM,

Thank God I got this second letter to you real quick like! I live in Kansas, not that crummy Missouri. Just wanted to make that clear. Have a happy and a holy day.
Dale Dobkins
Kansas City, MO

DM Refugees,

I’ve read your blog, I have looked at every page. Your problem is that you don’t spend enough time talking with our Lord. Heaven help those who aren’t walking with Jesus.
Rev. Samuel “High Tops” Barton
In Your Grandparents’ Wallet

Hey, I Haven’t Seen You In Weeks,

The other day I went to one of those places that both serves donuts and ice cream, right? So I went in and stared at the signs; I couldn’t really tell if I wanted soft serve or old-fashioned hand-dipped. I like all kinds of ice cream! I really didn’t like the flavors at the dipping area, so I wanted for one of those foreigners behind the counter to quit waiting on other people and get to me. So after a while, I get someone, and I ask for a vanilla cone. I’d be damned if the idiot didn’t make me a chocolate cone! So when the dummy brought it to me, I had to tell him I asked for vanilla, not chocolate. He probably doesn’t even speak English! So he had to throw out the chocolate cone, pick up another cone, and fill it with vanilla ice cream. Now, remember, it had been like, what, four minutes since I walked into the place. So I finally get my cone and I started to lick it, and I walk out, and guess what happens? I dribbled some vanilla right on my new Invicta Subaqua Noma III watch I bought off the TV! Do you know how sticky vanilla ice cream is? So, I turn around to get a napkin when I noticed the whole face of the watch was creamy with white ice cream. I hate that! So I had to go back in and ask for a wet nap, which naturally they didn’t have, you know how those people are. So finally I…
The Neighbor You Avoid
Watching HSN

Hey, Bob Smith,

I want you so bad, I’m aching.
Pamela Anderson
Not Talking To Our Bob Smith

Hey Bob Smith,

Get off me.
Mrs. Smith
In Her Bob-Made Hell

Dear Editors,

There’s a real problem in this country. People simply aren’t serious enough about the matters that really count. From war to taxes to our infrastructure to our environment, we must buckle down, swallow hard, and roll up our sleeves and systematically solve our problems one by one. Let’s get serious about these tough times.
Archie Poot
Making That Funny Armpit Noise

Dear DM Refugees,

Since that guy won’t do anything, I must ask: Is there a meat shortage? Everywhere I look, nothing. It’s epidemic, it’s terrible. No more running after things until there’s brisket. Good boy, my tight multi-colored ass.
Your Dog
On Strike

Dear DM Refugees,

Love your blog. Keep up the great work.
Nobody At All
This Is A Fake Letter

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Filed under Celebrities, Humor, Posts by Robert Smith

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