OMG, I Really Shouldn’t Have…

By ROBERT SMITH

Gee, (fill in the blank), I don’t know what I was thinking. I really shouldn’t have…

…used my MasterCard to charge a session at Miko’s Oriental Persuasion Spa

…eaten that second Entenmann’s crumb cake

…given the finger to that trucker that cut me off

…tried schnapps for the first time

…called that stripper over for a lap dance

…smiled at that traffic cop

…sampled the coffee and donuts they give away at the bank

…ordered that 55-millimeter watch off the TV

…written “former astronautical engineer” under “hobbies” on my resumé

…saw the ad for the new XT Burger at Burger King, then jumped in the car

…ordered two KFC Double Downs for my lunch

…used that stall at the airport men’s room

…agreed to that marathon two-hour Parcheesi game at my in-laws

…bought the kids that beginner drum set

…had kids

…told her she could pick out anything she wanted at Tiffany’s

…chosen the macaroni salad at the picnic buffet

…told naughty jokes in the front row at the christening

…told her I liked the beehive

…told her I didn’t care that I didn’t get any oral in return

…told her I didn’t care

…called in sick saying that my dog had “the borborygmus”

…told my boss to go shit in his hat

…agreed to be the “mustard guy” at the charity submarine sandwich drive

…laughed when she went down on me

…laughed when she walked in the room topless

…called that lady’s dog a “mangy mutt”

…eaten two Pixy Stixs, a Clark bar, a Tahiti Punch, a box of Whoppers, and a Charleston Chew at the movies, figuring “I did the same thing when I was 11”

…eaten at that restaurant without prices on the menu

…eaten at that restaurant where everyone wears a name tag

…eaten at that pizza buffet after showing up at 8:50 pm when the place closes at 9

…eaten that stuff from the back of the fridge

…eaten that stuff I just met at the bar

…told her I used Just For Men before showing up for our first date

…said the “f” word in front of my mother

…told the lawyer at the jury pool that “muff divin’” was among my hobbies

…listed “cockfighting” as my favorite sport at Eharmony.com

…farted robustly at the pot luck dinner

…forgotten to bring a covered dish to share at the church social

…agreed to date a girl who is a typist by day, amateur Roller Derby skater named All Beef Patti by night

…watched the entire Ren & Stimpy marathon in my robe and never moving off the couch except to grab another pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cardiac Crunch

…eaten two Wendy’s chicken breast sandwiches, a huge draught beer, frozen vanilla yogurt, and assorted other stuff within four hours while on vacation on Florida (Jon Pine, that’s one’s for you)

© 2010 Robert Smith

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Humor, Posts by Robert Smith

2 responses to “OMG, I Really Shouldn’t Have…

  1. Jon Pine

    Oh Lord, I will remember that last one for a LONG time! But you left out one key element – after filling our gullets with all that stuff, we hit the batting cages, remember?

    It was only dumb luck that mine stayed down while yours didn’t…

  2. Robert Smith

    I don’t think it was the batting cages. The problem with vacations is that you think, “it’s okay, I’ll live it up,” not remembering that it’s been 11 years since you ate that much or were that active swinging a bat.

    Again, I say it: Thank the heavens for bowling, of all things. I have about twice as much stamina and energy as I did five years ago. Not any better looking, but with more oomph. 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s