By ROBERT SMITH
Oh, our stars: Was 2009 ever an outstanding year for, well, virtually everything! From literature to television to the Internet to film to the music world, there was a veritable buffet of delights. Never before, as we can barely recall, has the world been so enlightened, so thrilled, so entertained.
Here is the unofficial DM Refugees list of the latest and greatest in the entertainment world. We can barely get to sleep just wondering if 2010 can top these works of sheer genius!
The Book Of 2009:
How To Be Famous by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: Just as future generations continue to enjoy and learn from the works of Jack London and Mark Twain, these words of wisdom from this pair of TV super-dooper stars will resonate and educate for as long as upright walking mammals have eyes. The utter brilliance of this self-help tome only belies the grace and elegance of these mega-ultra-power stars: They manage to tell you everything they know in only 144 pages of rather large type. It was a banner year for these fun-loving reality show super celebs – particularly for Montag, who somehow managed to pose nude for Playboy without actually posing nude for Playboy. Only a genius could earn huge gobs of hype without actually doing the thing that was touted in press releases for months … only to not actually do it! More, please; the world needs the comforting words of these fab entertainment giants – particularly Pratt, who has probably earned more than a million dollars without actually having a job description.
The CD Of 2010:
The E.N.D. (Energy Never Dies) by Black Eyed Peas: There was mucho competition for this award, including the Bob Dylan Christmas album and brilliant new sounds by John Mayer and a host of “American Idol” refugees, but the deep lyricists and entertainers that comprise this vibrating quartet have set a high water mark for pop music for eons to come. In fact, their entire canon’s deep-seeded emotional content will keep them in the hearts and ears for music lovers for time memoriam. Who can ever forget such flashes of brilliance such as “My humps! My humps, my humps, my humps! My lovely lady lumps! In the back and in the front!”, “I like that boom boom pow/Them chicken jackin’ my style/They try copy my swagger/I’m on that next shit now” and “Imma be shakin my hips/You gon be lickin your lips/Imma be takin’ them pics/Lookin’ all fly and shit/Imma be the flyest chick (so fly).’ Even The Archies could never match such raw human insight.
The TV Program of 2009:
Jersey Shore (MTV): There was nothing sweeter during this calendar year than the fact that people from the Jersey shore were all up in arms about a reality show about the people from the Jersey shore acting exactly like people from the Jersey shore. S’miracles will happen! We hear a proposed new MTV program will be called “Catskill Mountains,” where people who don’t brush their teeth for weeks on end spend their days punishing their kids and complaining about “those city people.”
The Website Of 2009:
The Dude Falling Website: It’s simply a man falling down the side of a hill; you can watch this for hours if you so choose. Way cheaper than cable! The raw intelligence of this site made it a squeaker victory over the more highly touted GlennBeck.com and a blog featuring a bunch of fat former newspaper writers mewling over their past glories. (studenthome.nku.edu/~russelljo/flash/dudefalling.swf)
Robert Smith actually makes a living writing reviews of entertainment, and as such, should get out there and walk a lot more than he does.