Tag Archives: Humor

OMG, I Really Shouldn’t Have…

By ROBERT SMITH

Gee, (fill in the blank), I don’t know what I was thinking. I really shouldn’t have…

…used my MasterCard to charge a session at Miko’s Oriental Persuasion Spa

…eaten that second Entenmann’s crumb cake

…given the finger to that trucker that cut me off

…tried schnapps for the first time

…called that stripper over for a lap dance

…smiled at that traffic cop

…sampled the coffee and donuts they give away at the bank

…ordered that 55-millimeter watch off the TV

…written “former astronautical engineer” under “hobbies” on my resumé

…saw the ad for the new XT Burger at Burger King, then jumped in the car

…ordered two KFC Double Downs for my lunch

…used that stall at the airport men’s room

…agreed to that marathon two-hour Parcheesi game at my in-laws

…bought the kids that beginner drum set

…had kids

…told her she could pick out anything she wanted at Tiffany’s

…chosen the macaroni salad at the picnic buffet

…told naughty jokes in the front row at the christening

…told her I liked the beehive

…told her I didn’t care that I didn’t get any oral in return

…told her I didn’t care

…called in sick saying that my dog had “the borborygmus”

…told my boss to go shit in his hat

…agreed to be the “mustard guy” at the charity submarine sandwich drive

…laughed when she went down on me

…laughed when she walked in the room topless

…called that lady’s dog a “mangy mutt”

…eaten two Pixy Stixs, a Clark bar, a Tahiti Punch, a box of Whoppers, and a Charleston Chew at the movies, figuring “I did the same thing when I was 11”

…eaten at that restaurant without prices on the menu

…eaten at that restaurant where everyone wears a name tag

…eaten at that pizza buffet after showing up at 8:50 pm when the place closes at 9

…eaten that stuff from the back of the fridge

…eaten that stuff I just met at the bar

…told her I used Just For Men before showing up for our first date

…said the “f” word in front of my mother

…told the lawyer at the jury pool that “muff divin’” was among my hobbies

…listed “cockfighting” as my favorite sport at Eharmony.com

…farted robustly at the pot luck dinner

…forgotten to bring a covered dish to share at the church social

…agreed to date a girl who is a typist by day, amateur Roller Derby skater named All Beef Patti by night

…watched the entire Ren & Stimpy marathon in my robe and never moving off the couch except to grab another pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cardiac Crunch

…eaten two Wendy’s chicken breast sandwiches, a huge draught beer, frozen vanilla yogurt, and assorted other stuff within four hours while on vacation on Florida (Jon Pine, that’s one’s for you)

© 2010 Robert Smith

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Humor, Posts by Robert Smith

The Greatest True Statements Ever Bein’ Gave

A few months back, we favored you with a bunch of words and phrases that we believe have never and will never be uttered by human beings. In this edition, we bring you a collection of statements and phrases that – scout’s honor – have actually been either overheard, reported, said to us, or written and actually printed. There’s some real song lyrics and other oddities reported here for lilt as well. WARNING: There is some “adult” language here, so if you’re easily offended, now’s the time to bail.

“You know, that son of a bitch…you try to teach the god damn kids right from wrong, and this is what happens, god damn it.”
– A frustrated Little League father complaining about an umpire’s bad call

“I wanted to quit smoking, so every time I get the urge for a cigarette, I reach for some coke. Helps me lose weight, too.”
– A very bad female date of one of ours

Now offered for sale at places like CafePress.com and GulfCoastBands.com, perfect for the debonair ladies’ man in your life: T-shirts with statements such as “Bitch – It Won’t Suck Itself” (see photo).

“None of your business. I will kill you.”
– A trucker to this writer, asking why he was delivering milk and dairy products in an un-refrigerated delivery truck

“We’re going to have the greatest concerts ever bein’ gave.”
– A crackpot concert promoter on a phone answering machine in an infamous underground comedy tape

“If you wanna talk to me, then shut your fuckin’ mouth.”
– Raymond to Peter in another infamous underground comedy CD culled from actually sticking a tape recorder microphone through a screaming alcoholic neighbor’s wall, “Shut Up Little Man!”

“Get fucked, Texas slut!”
– A chant directed at a blonde woman being jeered by an entire section of fans at Yankee Stadium for wearing a Texas Rangers cap during a playoff game (when the woman complained to a security officer, he joined in the chant)

“You’re nothing but a big bullshit. I want my god damn tape recorder!”
– Woman complaining to a Long Island Radio Shack employee that her tape recorder didn’t work

“You stupid instable.”
– God bless him, a relative of one of ours

“The Beatles ruined this country and all the kids in it.”
– Man buying an Ernest Tubb cassette in a Poughkeepsie, New York Record World store, 1981

“Jesus Christ, everywhere you look nowadays.”
– A vending machine rack jobber, filling a gumball machine; the brand of gum on the machine featured a photo of an African-American woman

“Where’s all the douche bags at?”
– An actual female customer in an upstate New York drug store

“To our seniors, I have a message for you: You’re going to die sooner.”
– Sen. Tom Coburn (R- Okla.), scaring old people before health care reform passed

“Hey, this kid could be the Mets’ center fielder for the next 10 years.”
– Former baseball player – and former baseball commentator – Fran Healy, summing up New York Mets rookie Jason Tyner. To date, Tyner has been up-and-down from the minors to the majors, and played 440 games for four teams over eight seasons, and has been released or waived several times

“The rule states that if your team is here and ready to play, and the other team isn’t here and not ready to play, there should be a forfeit, and we believe there should be a forfeit.”
– Classy New York Yankees president Randy Levine, upset that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays weren’t in New York for a baseball game – the day after devastating hurricanes in Florida in 2004

“That mines? That MINES?”
– A refined apparently homeless gentleman lunging for a shopping bag dropped in Times Square in 1991

“Tar baby! Tar baby!”
– Professional wrestling manager Lou Albano, shouting at African-American wrestler S.D. Jones – during a televised match, no less, circa 1974

More T-shirts we’ve actually seen people wear:
“I Fucked Your Girlfriend” (seen at a baseball game)
“I Made Linda Lovelace Choke”
“Ho” (worn by a teenaged girl)

Real Statements That Have Been Printed On Panties:
Baby, This Is As Far As You Go
Never On Sunday
Heaven (with an arrow pointing toward the crotch)
Sweet As Honey
Juicy
Fuck Time
Here Comes The Bride
You Wish
Yummy Mummy

“What sizes does this medium fit?”
– Buyer at a country music concert T-shirt concession

“Standing in line marking time–
Waiting for the welfare dime
‘Cause they can’t buy a job
The man in the silk suit hurries by
As he catches the poor old ladies’ eyes
Just for fun he says “Get a job”
– “The Way It Is,” the 1986 hit by Bruce Hornsby, which, in a pop songwriting first, rhymes “job” with “job”

“Next time I fall in love
I’ll know better what to do
Next time I fall in love
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo”
– Peter Cetera’s “The Next Time I Fall,” which rhymes “do” and “ooo,” which makes Hornsby’s songwriting prowess seem like Shakespeare

“I don’t want you reading those books. They give you ideas.”
– Numerous husbands to wives since, say, 1940, in Greene County, NY

“The only good Latin is a dead Latin.”
– Professional wrestling manager, the aptly named “Classy” Freddie Blassie, in a statement actually said on television

“If I wore pink ferrets for slippers, I would never – ever – want to clean another ashtray.”
– From the Survey Central website (surveycentral.org)

“What are your dogs’ names again … Kierkegaarde and Ed Asner?”
– Said by Robert Smith after he met his eventual wife’s dogs, which were actually named Kodi and Spooky

“Ooh! I tooted.”
– Said by a very large female convenience store clerk after she let go of a very pronounced fart, Norfolk, Virginia, 2007

JUST ADDED!

“Warning: Driver Masturbating”

– Bumper sticker spotted on a car in Westbury, NY, June 28

2 Comments

Filed under Current events, Entertainment, Humor, Posts by Robert Smith, Uncategorized

Real Products You Can Buy, Eat, & Use

BY ROBERT SMITH

Every so often, you pass something in a store that makes you glad you live in this Land O’ Plenty, as the variety of products and services we have at our fingertips here is just another sign that, well…we love to buy and produce some pretty odd stuff.

Here’s a brief compendium of head-scratching concepts, products, and foods:

This is a brand of slider lock that’s on the door of a stall in the men’s room of a bowling center that I roll at. I shudder to think what’s on the women’s room stall door – Vag-Hida, perhaps?

What follows is a can of dog food; the full name is “Lord Of The Manor Gourmet Sliced Chicken Dinner In Gravy Dog Food.” Love this label so much, I can’t describe it; it’s as if they Googled a couple of stock images, and Viola. One of the listed ingredients is “water sufficient for processing.” I wouldn’t let my dog near this stuff on a bet from a Newfy. Available now at fine stores such as National Wholesale Liquidators!

Finally … THE most hilarious canned product EVER…some of these food items, I’ve never even heard of..oh, my lord.

10 Comments

Filed under Humor, Photography, Posts by Robert Smith

We Received Letters

Dear DM Refugees,

I take strong objection to your recent column suggesting that my Invicta Subaqua Noma III isn’t fashionable. I showed mine to my foreman at the smelting mill where I work, and he thinks it’s really sexy. It’s so big! Then I wore it to dart league and every member of my team said they wanted one, too. I have an official Dale Earnhardt #3 racing helmet and an official replica WWE World Championship belt, and when I walk down the street with all this stuff on, I really get looks. People actually stop walking and stare at me. I love Invicta!
Ralphy Tomkins
Inside His TV

Hey, hack writers,

You guys think you’re king shit because you’ve all had jobs writing for newspapers and magazines. Well, let me tell you, print is a thing of the past – that Mac doohickey is going to be what we all look at soon. Note I said look at, not read.
R. Murdoch
On An Island

Dear Editor,

I don’t like how dirty TV, movies, and magazines are these days. Sex isn’t everything.
Dick Johnson
Poon, AL

Dear DM,

I used to work with you guys back in the day, and frankly, I always thought you were a bunch of Kansas City frog jumpers.
Dale Dobkins
Kansas City, MO

Dear DM,

Thank God I got this second letter to you real quick like! I live in Kansas, not that crummy Missouri. Just wanted to make that clear. Have a happy and a holy day.
Dale Dobkins
Kansas City, MO

DM Refugees,

I’ve read your blog, I have looked at every page. Your problem is that you don’t spend enough time talking with our Lord. Heaven help those who aren’t walking with Jesus.
Rev. Samuel “High Tops” Barton
In Your Grandparents’ Wallet

Hey, I Haven’t Seen You In Weeks,

The other day I went to one of those places that both serves donuts and ice cream, right? So I went in and stared at the signs; I couldn’t really tell if I wanted soft serve or old-fashioned hand-dipped. I like all kinds of ice cream! I really didn’t like the flavors at the dipping area, so I wanted for one of those foreigners behind the counter to quit waiting on other people and get to me. So after a while, I get someone, and I ask for a vanilla cone. I’d be damned if the idiot didn’t make me a chocolate cone! So when the dummy brought it to me, I had to tell him I asked for vanilla, not chocolate. He probably doesn’t even speak English! So he had to throw out the chocolate cone, pick up another cone, and fill it with vanilla ice cream. Now, remember, it had been like, what, four minutes since I walked into the place. So I finally get my cone and I started to lick it, and I walk out, and guess what happens? I dribbled some vanilla right on my new Invicta Subaqua Noma III watch I bought off the TV! Do you know how sticky vanilla ice cream is? So, I turn around to get a napkin when I noticed the whole face of the watch was creamy with white ice cream. I hate that! So I had to go back in and ask for a wet nap, which naturally they didn’t have, you know how those people are. So finally I…
The Neighbor You Avoid
Watching HSN

Hey, Bob Smith,

I want you so bad, I’m aching.
Pamela Anderson
Not Talking To Our Bob Smith

Hey Bob Smith,

Get off me.
Mrs. Smith
In Her Bob-Made Hell

Dear Editors,

There’s a real problem in this country. People simply aren’t serious enough about the matters that really count. From war to taxes to our infrastructure to our environment, we must buckle down, swallow hard, and roll up our sleeves and systematically solve our problems one by one. Let’s get serious about these tough times.
Archie Poot
Making That Funny Armpit Noise

Dear DM Refugees,

Since that guy won’t do anything, I must ask: Is there a meat shortage? Everywhere I look, nothing. It’s epidemic, it’s terrible. No more running after things until there’s brisket. Good boy, my tight multi-colored ass.
Your Dog
On Strike

Dear DM Refugees,

Love your blog. Keep up the great work.
Nobody At All
This Is A Fake Letter

Leave a comment

Filed under Celebrities, Humor, Posts by Robert Smith

Expressions You’ll Never Hear

BY ROBERT SMITH

Words are  powerful things.

George Carlin once did an entire bit based on things you’ll never hear: One of the funniest was a guy running at top speed into a pharmacy, then screaming: “Are you open on Thursdays?”

We here at DMR are always on the lookout for meaningless wastes of time – most of us have based our careers on them – so here we present words that have never been uttered before and never will be in these combinations. Use ’em, trade ’em, collect ’em with your friends!

“My Republican colleague seems opposed to anything that has to do with this health care bill. My colleague is a moose Johnson.”

“Life is best when you’re refreshed, and 5 W20 refreshes you best.”

“Hi, Sarah, it’s so nice to meet you! Shall we skip the formalities and start a-ruttin’ and a-reamin’?”

“Back in my day, we’d walk seven miles each way just to get a halvah.”

“You guys go ahead. I’m not in the mood for steak; I’ve got some cold haggis in the fridge.”

“Mr. Skelton, you’re right on time for your quadruple bypass – I see you brought your coupon.”

“Sure, White Booty Worship #2 was a well-made DVD feature, but it lacked the taste and superior art direction of Phat Black Juicy Anal Booty #5.”

“And the best actor Oscar goes to Keanu Reeves.”

“No way! Bob Hastings as Lt. Carpenter in ‘McHale’s Navy Joins The Air Force’ was way funnier than Hermione Gingold as Lady Munster in ‘Munster, Go Home.’ You punk kids know nothing these days.”

“And the best actress Oscar goes to Jessica Alba.”

“We have to have a talk with little Jimmy. I found four Lane Bryant catalogs stuffed under his mattress.”

“No more…please. I’ll never do that again. Four skunk cabbages is definitely my limit.”

“What is it with teenagers and all these posters on your bedroom walls! You paid good allowance money for Richard Griffiths, and there’s not even enough room next to Sir Ben Kingsley and F. Murray Abraham. Enough is enough!”

“Best car I ever owned? I got 250,000 miles out of that Pinto – I bet it’s still on the road out there somewhere.”

“I’ll never buy another cheap piece of crap like that Breitling watch.”

“ABC has announced its new reality-based game show: Polka With The Stars.”

“I know he has bad breath, teeth like rotting picnic table benches, only four fingers, one eye, and a liver that’s literally outside his skin – but God, does Jerry’s pinky toe turn me on.”

“Man, that John Mayer is original.”

“Honey, next time you take a 20-minute dump like that, leave the bathroom door open – just for me?”

“We brought you cherry cola, vanilla cola, and crème soda, but wait till you taste rich cola flavor mixed with the natural goodness of real roast beef.”

“American League batting champion Nick Punto should command a huge multi-year contract on the free agent market.”

“I knew William Demarest, sir, and you’re no William Demarest.”

“Sure, she’s hot, but when she puts on that Jac-O-Net, I can’t take my eyes off her.”

“Okay, go to the deli and get me a half-pound of bologna, two pounds of American cheese, a half-pound of potato salad, and a pound of sperm whale blubber.”

“Sir, your conduct is unbecoming membership in the ASGWSTOFWCG. The American Society of Guys Who Scrape Their Own Faces With Cheese Graters will not accept such breaches of decorum.”

“I lost my job today, I’m so out of it. I need a drink … I need a smoke … somebody get me a Cadbury Crème Egg.”

“After two years of trying, Playboy finally has its big score and has landed the biggest star in Hollywood: Look for Betty White on the cover of the June issue.”

“Aspirin – and Sucrets?”

“When he kisses me and leaves those dandruff and scabies flakes all over my blouse, I’m just lost in passion.”

“Will you kids stop brushing your teeth and go finish watching Last Call With Carson Daly?”

“Mr. Harris, your quadruple bypass was a complete success. Good luck, and safe home – here’s a Swiss roll ice cream cake with our compliments.”

“Yeah, the music of the 70s was the best: Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods, Hamilton, Joe, Frank & Reynolds, Blue Swede, The DeFranco Family – they don’t make hits like that anymore.”

“That was an awful buffet. No deviled eggs.”

“You ganked my collection of 1980s TV Guides, you bastard, and you’ll pay for that. Trust me … you’ll pay.”

“Yeah, I’ll admit it: I dated Pamela Anderson, but I broke up with her because all she wanted to do was make love.”

“Damn it! Every time I go into that deli for a coffee, there’s always a fresh pot. Why can’t I get the stuff one inch from the bottom?”

“Man, I can’t wait for that tax audit. We’re gonna have a blast.”

“Why would I buy underwear from Macy’s when there’s a perfectly good Family Dollar right down the street. Stop wasting our money, Hollingsworth.”

“I’ve never been so offended. I go to the movies for a night of entertainment, and I have to sit through quasi-porn like The Blind Side. I don’t care what the critics say: It is filth!”

“I log on to The DM Refugees every day, hoping upon hope that Robert Smith left a new post. He’s dreamy.”

4 Comments

Filed under Humor, Posts by Robert Smith, Uncategorized

How Not To Score: A Guy’s Guide To Relationship Failure

BY ROBERT SMITH

There are dating websites, matrimony agencies, lingerie stores, and greeting card companies, and all are in the business of helping people find the ultimate object of their desires – or, at the very least, hook up. Sex and love are two of the biggest motivations in the human experience, but some people just don’t get it. Some people do the very worst they can, thinking it’s the best thing they can do.
Guys, if you’re really interested in seeking out companionship with a real thinking, feeling female, trying your hardest to avoid these garish gaffes:

Never take Iris to a fancy restaurant clad in a suit only to put your arm on the table to reveal your fancy new Invicta Subaqua Noma III watch you “bought off the TV.” Some dudes think watches layered in cheap gold and the size of a black and white cookie are fashionable; they get together in their apartments, usually located in their mother’s basements, to show off their collections. Iris and her girlfriends get together to laugh about their bad dates.

While we’re on the subject: A “poor man’s Rolex” still isn’t a Rolex.

Never show up for a first date with Sara with your official Johnny Damon New York Yankees jersey on.

An amendment to that note: Never show up for a first date with Sara if Damon is anywhere in the vicinity. Or any other athlete. Or musician. Or movie star.

We shouldn’t even have to print this, but if you can belch “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic,” don’t do it in front of Veronica.

Or us.

If you’re sitting at the bar having a nice conversation with a new friend named Becky, never try to squeeze one off. If it’s a silent but deadly creamer, you’ll ruin any chances with both Becky and that beloved 10-year-old pair of Fruit of the Looms.

If you even know what The Entertainment Book is, you’re not scoring with Elizabeth.

A beige shirt and purple pants? Great if you’re visiting Aunt Audrey.

If you show up to take out Amy in your Chrysler Town & Country, you might as well look for love at Lowe’s Home Center.

If a radio ad for a $4.99 haircut makes you run to the nearest mall, there’s no chance that Heidi wants anything to do with you.

Cheryl likes funny guys, but if you spend the entire date quoting “Seinfeld,” she’ll file your number under “old fart.” Other entertainment entities whose reference quotas have expired: Caddyshack, “The Honeymooners,” Popeye, Goodfellas, The Sopranos, “Friends,” anything with Adam Sandler.

If you are lucky enough to get Linda into your bedroom and she notices your official replica WWE World Championship belt, the only trim you’ll be getting is after you’ve gone on a three-month diet.

Never believe TV ads: If a woman sees an older, graying male and doesn’t care for his looks, it’s natural. If a younger woman sees the same man a week later after he’s applied Just For Men in five easy minutes and everything about him is suddenly jet black, not only won’t she find him attractive, but she’ll also think he’s the creepiest schmoe since Jeffrey Dahmer.

If you’re over 40 and you still sport an earring, you might as well put on a pair of bell bottoms. If you have two earrings, you might as well show Nancy your AARP card.

Another addendum: Just because you’re 50 and you’re getting tons of sudden offers in the mail doesn’t mean you have to join AARP. That makes even other 50-year-olds cringe.

Tatoos and ink? Sure. A pierced cock head, never.

Openly vomiting on the table during dinner never leads to a second date. We’ve actually met two women who have experienced this – in New York City, no less.

Lorna loves talking about virtually anything, but when Jimmy spent two hours discussing how AC/DC got even better after Bon Scott died, she bought a CD by Celtic Women the next day.

If you join a dating site and use the word “anal” in your profile for any reason, you better call the airlines and make a reservation at The Pussycat Ranch as soon as possible, as your most meaningful relationship with a female between now and the rest of your life will have a shelf life of about 20 minutes.

Women that women love: Taylor Swift, Rachel Ray, Marie Osmond, Carnie Wilson, Hillary Duff, you get the picture. Women that women hate are the women that guys love: Pamela Anderson, Victoria Silvestedt, Megan Fox, Alessandra Ambrosio, Kelly Kelly, Angelina Jolie, and so on.

If you tell Samantha that you’re trying to become an actor, she’ll swoon. If you tell her your goal is to act in a Broadway musical, she’ll introduce you to her friend Bruce.

Never admit during a first date with Tamara that not only is this the first one you’ve had in 11 months, but that your financial situation isn’t all that great. Leo Durocher said it best: “Nice guys finish last.” In fact, if you’re entering the dating scene believing that integrity, being a nice person, being humble, and letting nature take its course during relationships are good attributes, we have a land plot in Oak Hill, New York we’d like to sell you.

If you pick up Nancy in a Lexus, and you both come back to your place later and she finds only onion soup mix and instant coffee in your cupboard, she won’t mind at all.

If you drop the name of the famous people you’ve met with Terri, you’ll score. If you drop the names of the dudes you bowl with, you’ll only score at Bowlmor.

Carrie doesn’t mind that you’re not “large” – but she’ll tell Sandy that you’re “pretty small,” and it will be the focal point of their hilarious lunch break the next day. Uncircumcised guys: Hold on to your hats … so to speak.

If you tell Evelyn that “I like your nice, big tits” on the first date, the only date you’ll enjoy the next day will say Sunkist on its box.

If you want to date Snooki from “Jersey Shore,” go ahead and wear that Ed Hardy t-shirt. If you want a date with Sandy from your office, don’t even think about it.

Brands that don’t make it with Amy: Brylcreem, Vitalis, Waltham, Haband, J.C. Penny, ESPN, Family Dollar, U.S. Polo, Golden Corral, and any restaurant that ends with the words “pizza buffet.”

Paula said, “let’s do something fun on our first date.” Bob suggested, “how about miniature golf?” Bob played miniature golf with Tim on Saturday night.

Hank told Susan he bought her some jewelry, and after their second date, no less. The box read “Kay Jewelers.” Susan fucked the living shit out of Paul later that night; Paul will have permanent rattled brains for months. Hank will give the Kay box to his mother, who will store it in a drawer and never refer to it again.

Robert Smith gets mistaken for Brad Pitt quote often, and while standing in line at banks and ticket counters he sometimes must call his literary agent. He’d never make any of the above mistakes with women, as his vast experience in the ways of love make him impervious to errors, Jake; he’s too busy drawing glances. His choice for most romantic song: Better Off Without A Wife” by Tom Waits.

5 Comments

Filed under Humor, Posts by Robert Smith

Bob Backlund, We Hardly Knew Ye

Where are they?

In this era of immediate gratification – where you can find anything, anytime, anywhere – too many great moments in entertainment seem to have fallen through the cracks.  Here’s some stuff we actually have to remember rather than see at a moment’s notice – and changes that seem to have been made for no reason whatsoever:

We can’t find video of Bob Uecker’s incredible, hilarious 2003 Baseball Hall Of Fame acceptance speech anywhere, and it’s the greatest HOF moment of all time.  It has to been seen with the heart-wrenching tale told by sports writer Hal McCoy moments earlier to the get the full impact of one of the best-timed, most perfect comedy soliloquies ever uttered; it truly transcends both sport and humor.  But we dare you to find it.

Anywhere. But you can watch wrestlers with names like Necro Butcher on YouTube anytime.

While we’re on the subject: Where’s Mr. Belvedere reruns?  It’s not on any national networks.

Or Barney Miller.

Or The Odd Couple.

Or I Love Lucy – yes, even I Love Lucy.  Can you believe it? Thank Mertz for the DVDs.  As we write this, the venerable comedy series was not on the regular schedule of any national broadcast or cable network.  We once read a quote from a TV executive who claimed that he didn’t want to broadcast black-and-white shows because they wouldn’t hold the attention of younger viewers.  That executive was an asshole.

Or Looney Tunes.  What’s a Saturday morning without Foghorn Leghorn beating the tar out of Barnyard Dog?  The fact that this huge array of classic cartoons is owned by Time Warner – which can’t find regular time on their schedule for these wonderful animated shorts on not one, but two networks (Cartoon Network and Boomerang) – is downright criminal.  To think you can watch The Banana Splits and not Daffy Duck proves there are empty suits everywhere.

Why did they ever replace the wonderful, non-grating Richard Karn on Family Feud?  Is it really a better program now?

Why do they change hosts on Westminster Dog Show telecasts all the time?  Whatever happened to Joe Garagiola, who didn’t know a pug from his elbow but was riotously entertaining all the same?

Whatever happened to the wonderfully cheesy cartoon program The Marvel Superheroes from the 1960s?  No one seems to show the static Grantray-Lawrence Animation-produced show, which featured America’s first looks at Iron Man, Sub-Mariner, The Hulk, Thor, and, yes, Captain America.  The program was so incredibly bad that it achieved true greatness.  And Dean Wormer from Animal House was the voice of Iron Man!

Whatever happened to Stories Of The Century, the 1950s western where virtually every legendary villain of the Old West (Black Bart, Harry Tracy, etc.) was captured by the same lawman?

Whatever happened to The Three Stooges? At the same time a big-screen revival starring Sean Penn is being planned and a great DVD reissue series is going on, Moe, Larry, Curly, and Shemp aren’t regularly on any national network.  We don’t care about Joe Besser, though he was great on The Joey Bishop Show (speaking of Bishop, isn’t it amazing that Regis Philbin is his only contemporary left on this mortal coil?).

Whatever happened to the horrible but great Abbott & Costello Show?

Gumby?

Doodles Weaver?  The closing credits to his 1960s color shorts are so incredibly inane they reach a pinnacle of ridiculousness never before achieved, even by Chaplin and Keaton.  One segment during the closing (silent with honky tonk piano music in the background) shows Weaver smiling at the camera; you hear a snap; then Weaver lifts his hand and writhes in pain, as his fingers are somehow caught in a mousetrap.  Where did the trap come from?  Did he snap the trap on his own digits?  The greatest final moment in show business history, eclipsed only by the final edition of The Sopranos.

Where are Post Oat Flakes?

Whip ’N Chill?

Bonomo Turkish Taffy?

Where are the full-page magazine ads for Charles Atlas?  Fake mustaches and beards? Blow up love dolls?  The Johnson Smith Catalog, so we can keep stocked with a fresh supply of fake dog do, X-Ray Specs, and plastic vomit?

Where’s The Goon Show?

Whatever happened to Bob Hastings?  George Kennedy?  Alan Hamel?  Martha Smith?  While we’re on the subject, Julie Strain?

Whatever happened to Chocobliss candy bars?

Whatever happened to Robert Smith?

5 Comments

Filed under Celebrities, Current events, Entertainment, Humor, Journalism, Posts by Robert Smith